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Wait! Have You Not Seen This?

STEVE UCHRIN

Wait; Have You Not Seen This? BY STEVEUCHRIN

PUBLISHED BY DORKCOURT RECORDS AND TAPES 2034 47TH AVENUE SAN FRANCISCO, CA 94116

FIRST EDITION JULY 2024

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INTRODUCTION BY MARK ESPINOSA ORIGINAL DORKCOURT.COMCOLUMNS EDITED BY LARRYYOUNG

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NO PART OF THIS PUBLICATION MAY BE REPRODUCED, STORED IN ANY RETRIEVAL SYSTEM, OR TRANSMITTED, IN ANY FORM OR BY ANY MEANS (EXCEPT FOR SHORT EXCERPTS AS PART OF A REVIEW) WITHOUT PRIOR WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE PUBLISHER, NOR BE OTHERWISE CIRCULATED IN ANY FORM OF BINDING OR COVER OTHER THAN THAT IN WHICH IT IS PUBLISHED.

Wait! Have You Not Seen This?

STEVE UCHRIN

DORK COURT RECORDS AND TAPES SAN FRANCISCO

blurbs and attaboys

what movie is this? words asked at a crowded bar we all look to Steve

— Kevin Kalahiki husband, father, coworker, bassist of porkchop express

I love talking about movies with Steve. He is like imdb but with better hair.

— Rodney Huff electrician and adventurer

Steve is human fireworks full of movie details that make you ooo and ahhh Steve is like a glitter bomb full of insane movie knowledge Talking with Steve is like stepping into Studio 54, but it’s all about movies

— Dr. Scott Goeke knower of things and maker of gin

This sure rang my cinephile geek bell. Steve’s thoughts on these films are uniquely insightful, engaging and truthful. Actually, he did lie about one thing; he says he’s not a writer. On every page, not only does his voice and persona come across so clear, it’s like he’s in the room with you drinking all your beer .

— Glenn Farrington television writer, magician

Wait! Have You Not Seen ... Well, if you haven’t, here’s the Table of Contents

9 Three O’Clock High

10 Cobra

12 Ford Fairlane

14 Dragnet

16 The Running Man

19 Tango &Cash

22 The 13th Warrior

24 The Burbs

27 UHF

30 Running Scared

32 Middle of November

34 Nightmare at Noon

36 Brotherhood of the Wolf

39 Wise Guys

41 Let It Ride

44 How I got into College

48 Acknowledgments

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Mark Espinosa

Hit paydirt with K-DiRT.

The moment I knew Steve and I would be friends was when I saw him cut his finger on a Lady Death license plate and whisper to himself “Master! You are flesh!” I have known this dude for over twenty years and every day I am blown away by the depth of movie knowledge and passion this man has. For him, the movie doesn’t end when the credits roll; that’s when the fun begins. “Of course he’s seen that movie, but he also saw the four other movies that inspired that movie and the movie the director and main actor connected over because it referenced this other obscure film they both saw as children that reminded them of this French noir horror flick that starred the woman who was in the background of one scene of Stewardess School. ” For him, every movie contains at least one prestige moment or performance that ripples throughout cinematic history and this wild bas tard loves to twirl that thread around like a Swedish dressmaker. In the unsophisticated hands of any number of self-proclaimed cinephiles, the phrase “Wait? Have You Not Seen…?” would be laced with a ven omous tone of condescension. What sets Steve apart is his clear appreci ation for these movies and his excitement to simply share them with the world. He is a grimed-up cinematic historian whose expertise focuses (but not exclusively) on films that dance on the fringes of mainstream con sciousness. The movie you caught ten minutes of during a free trial of HBO that features that guy who was also in that other movie you loved as a kid. His recommendations push far beyond box office acclaim; focusing more on often uncelebrated cinematic touchstones that exist within your consciousness whether you realize it or not. To walk the dimly lit video store of his mind, you’d find a nonchalant clerk who devotes attention to every frame, every background character, every subtle whisper of dialogue and barely audible music playing on a boombox when the Ghostbusters get their first call that only three people in the world ever noticed and one of them was the singer of the song. This power zine is ideal for cinematic afi cionados or open-minded individuals eager for recommendations on what to watch on a rainy Thursday night. Enjoy.

Mark Espinosa The Grid May, 2024

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Wait! Have You Not Seen... Three O’Clock High? August 26, 2022

So… where do I begin? I’m not a writer, but I’ve definitely seen way more movies than I would like to admit. I spent almost ten years working in and out of video stores on the East Coast and West Coast, so… future Tarantino, here. During that time, I probably rented everything that had a cheesy cover, a bad actor in it, a bad title. Bad is the kind of theme I like. Also at this time, I gained this uncanny ability of recognizing faces in movies, and being able to recall them. So for some reason I remember everything people are in. Like Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon , but with every one.

I also generally like to see stuff I have never seen before. I do re-watch a ton of films, but finding something no one has heard of or seen is my mis sion. I don’t dislike many movies, with the exception of animated films, which is a big blind spot for me as I generally don’t enjoy animated movies. Tough to get me to see it, and it has to be a theme I love. Oh and I actually realize I have another big pet peeve about film, I don’t like kids in movies. So I don’t like movies with the plot centered around children. That is going to be an automatic no, right off the bat. Willy Wonka is the exception, but everything else? Sorry, hard pass. Okay, now that some of that is explained, let me tell you about my favorite flick of all time. Three O’Clock High. How do I describe it? Nerd in high school somehow stumbles into a schoolyard fight with the new big bad and tries everything

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in his high school brain to get out of that fight. It stars Casey Siemaszko and Richard Tyson in those two main roles, but the random cast of actors in this is super-solid. Recently deceased Philip Baker Hall, John P. Ryan, Mitch Pileggi and Jeffrey Tambor, to name a few. The director is Phil Joanou, who Spielberg hand-picks to make this flick after his shorts in Amazing Stories (remember those?) and then goes on to essentially become U2’s exclusive music video director. But why this flick and why my fav? It really is simple. The whole flick real ly masters the whole element of a school day, and everything this kid will do to not only get out of the fight but also get out of the school. We can all relate. But this film just continues to find and introduce new and stu pendous ways Jerry Mitchell (Casey) will go about to get out of this fight. The film uses this constant shot of the school hallway clock slowly getting closer and closer to three o’clock that before long you think that is anoth er character you are rooting against. As the day progresses and he sits in different subjects, the class lessons are always following the David vs. Goliath mythology. Chef’s Kiss. My buddy Mark and I love the scene with the note and Mitch Pileggi. Just watch it and you will know what I am talking about. And when three o’clock hits and we get the crescendo… THE FIGHT. The most quoted scene in my life. From “Let’s Finish,” “Shit, three minutes! Go, Jerry,” “Don’t fuck this up, Mitchell,” and my favorite: “No one is gonna help you now, Jerry. It’s just you and me.” Perfection. How many times have I seen it? Let’s just say back in NJ, working at a video store, this flick started my day, everyday 5-6 days a week for 2+ years. So I kind of like it. And lis ten, I don’t know where it is streaming, but it is a nine dollar dvd, so grab it on eBay/Amazon if you see it. Well worth it. Wait! Have You Not Seen... Cobra? September 2, 2022 Anyway, let’s tackle another flick that helps round out my top 5. This is for sure one that I never had the privilege of playing in the video store during my working hours. But when I was sitting at home with nothing to do but read a pile of 40 comic books, this was playing in the background. I have owned this flick on VHS twice, Laserdisc, dvd and blu-ray. Now, just a dig ital copy on one of my hard drives. The perfect Stallone 80s classic. Cobra. Sylvester Stallone is Marion Cobretti, a cop that works on the Zombie Squad in Los Angeles. The Zombie Squad (sick name) are the cops that work the midnight shift but essentially do anything to get the job done. The flick starts with a supermarket hostage scene, which gives you everything you need to know:no negotiations happening in this flick. But

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it introduces us to the bad guys/cult, The New World; a bunch of psychos trying to kill innocents because good people are weak. Lame motto, but the bad guys are great. They bang axe heads together and once you hear that noise it is forever stamped in your brain. Brian Thompson is the big bad as the Night Slasher. Damn; another great name. And gorgeous super model Brigitte Nielsen is the damsel in distress, by seeing something she should not have seen. The rest of the cast is all recognizable. Reni Santoni is his partner, Andrew Robinson (Scorpio Killer in Dirty Harry ) is another detective, Art LaFluer and Sledge Hammer, himself, Dan Rasche. Seriously! Every role is a face you recognize.

This is 80s action in all its glory. From a creepy 80s horror movie chase scene in a hospital, to a sick car chase scene that the Fast and the Furious guys wish they could pull off. Remember no CG, real cars driving on real roads? Insane. Man, the 80s were awesome… all culminating into a big final action scene that feels like it takes 45 minutes. Just crazy stunts, explosions, guns with unlimited bullets. Just the best. I never understood how this never got a sequel, it made good money and Stallone was the man when this came out. I forgot to mention it is by the under appreciat ed wizard George P. Cosmatos. Look him up. Not a ton of films but all memorable. Fun fact, his son Panos was able to make his first film on the dvd sale royalties of Tombstone that his dad would get. OK, OK; back to this flick. Just a fun action flick with a ton of super quotes. “You’re a dis ease and I’m the cure” is one of Stallone’s best. Find it on dvd/blu-ray, because I don’t think I have ever found it on a streaming service. Thank god I didn’t because it would not get turned off.

Extra-extra bonus . The flick is violent, so is a total 100% R flick, but, sup posingly, there was a cut so violent that it was hit with an X rating. I don’t

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think that version exists in the world, trust me, I have looked. But there is a VHS copy inclusive of scenes from a TV showing back in the day. About 20 minutes of scenes cut from the flick. I think it lives on youtube, so after your viewing check out the extra 20 that didn’t make the dvd. Only reason I bring it up is you can see where Fincher gets his influence for the end ing of Seven .

Yup, everyone steals.

Wait! Have You Not Seen... Ford Fairlane? September 9, 2022

Hi all, Steve, here. I just wanted to recap where we are: I am the guy who wrote the past two reviews of flicks I think you should see. I worked in a video store so I think my opinion means something, so you should hear it. Recapping a few flicks from my top five or top ten. They shift around a lot. Okay, now that I got that out of the way, I gotta flick for you to see.

But first, a backstory on this one. When I was younger, I was a Boy Scout. I don’t recall how old I was… but let’s just say our Boy Scouts were not taken as seriously as other troops in our area. Maybe a camping trip, maybe, but mostly a way to get a bunch of kids in one place and not out causing mischief. Our troop was going to go on a ski trip, big deal. A good portion of the troop had never been so… super cool. I was a newer kid to the group/troop and somehow my dad was cool enough to say he would be a chaperone and take a few kids up. Little did my dad know, but as the

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new dad of the Boy Scout troop, he was going to take his son, of course, but also be responsible for three of the “bad” kids. My dad is not a suck er and saw what was about to happen. A car ride for 4-5 hours with a few bad apples in the back. So he said to the kids in the back, “We got a long ride ahead of us, Do you have any music you want to play?” They immedi ately handed him a tape and my dad put it in. We proceeded to drive for the next few hours laughing our asses off to an Andrew Dice Clay comedy tape. Best car ride I can remember in my life and I don’t recall seeing my dad laugh as hard as he did then, before or since. We pulled up to the ski lodge. My dad popped the tape out and gave it back to one of the kids in the back without another word. The “bad” kids knew my dad was all right and me, his son, was cool as well. Looking back, I never realized what took place, but now I do. Brilliant work, Dad. Now that the backstory of my love of the Iceman is out of the way, like the first act of a Phase One Marvel movie, it’s gotta be said that Andrew Dice Clay is a moment in time. Could he have been an act/comedian earlier? I don’t think society was ready for his vulgar presentation. How about later? Well, not much later, and nowadays he would have been banned/cancelled within hours. But for 1990, he was it. And we get a gem of a flick. Andrew Dice Clay is Ford Fairlane, LA’s foremost rock and roll detective. Essentially, he’s a private investigator to the 1990 LA music scene. He does work for the hot bands, finding their stalkers, or, really, anything else they ask. The problem is his clients pay him in watches, guitars and koalas. I know? Crazy. But they just don’t pay him in the cash that he needs. His old buddy from back in the day, Johnny Crunch (the late Gilbert Gottfried), asks him to find his long, lost daughter, Zuzu Petals, played by Maddie Corman. Once you see her face you will know her from a ton of stuff. Tragedy hits Johnny Crunch and then the following day Colleen Sutton is at Ford’s door. Sutton is played by Pricilla Presley (her only real film role besides the Naked Gun flicks) and she is also looking for her long, lost daughter. Long story short, something is not right. Then the crazy starts, but the cast of characters is insane. Lauren Holly, Wayne Newton, Ed O’Neill, David Patrick Kelly (of Clinging Bottles Warrior fame) and Robert Friggin Englund. Not to mention a handful of 1990 music super stars. Just nuts. Even crazier this flick is directed by Renny Harlin. Die Hard 2, Cliffhanger, Long Kiss Goodnight, to name a few. You know Renny Harlin…. so you know the explosions and action scenes are great. The Adventures of Ford Fairlane

The cast was going to be really different with Howard Stern, Billy Idol and David Bowie playing roles that went to Gilbert, Vince Neil and Wayne

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Newton. While watching this flick imagine those instead. Bowie! Bowie!

The quotes in this flick are the best. The problem being after all these years less and less can be used in your normal vernacular. But, here; let me get a few out in the world.

“I’ll let you know when somebody pays me to, like, give a shit.”

“Why am I late? I was up all night eating Swedish meatballs. Ay!”

“Excuse me? You say the F word again, I bang you the fuck out.”

“Hit paydirt with KDRT.”

“It’s all right. If you fall, I’ll make it.”

“Booty time, booty time, across the USA, booty time booty time yay yay yay!” I have about twenty more but none I want to type. A total fun 90s comedy action flick that I am sure 99% of people pass over because of the main actor. Sure, he is not 2022 sophisticated, but in 1990 he was a Very Big Deal. Get past that and it is a fun flick that I think you will get a few laughs from. Doesn’t appear to be streaming anywhere, but there is a dvd of it. So I recommend you give Jeff a few bucks on amazon and add it to your col lection. Wait! Have You Not Seen... Dragnet? September 23, 2022 Okay, back at this again for another week. I have been listing a bunch of flicks that I am shocked people have not seen that have generally been in my top 5 or top 10. As I said in prior columns, I worked at a video store so my opinions actually matter. Really, It does. Anyway, I have a few terrabytes of flicks on various hard drives connected to a Raspberry Pi that just plays randomly, so I don’t have to decide what to watch. This just hap pened to show up last week as I was trying to figure out what would be next… DRAGNET . Seriously, the comedy that they made in 1987 with Akyroyd and Hanks. The remake/retelling of the old 1967 TV show with Harry Morgan. I am telling you: this flick is killer. Why? Let me get there.

We get introduced to Pep Streebek (played by Tom Hanks), he is a cop, but does not take it seriously. He gets partnered with Joe Friday (played by one

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of the top 3 comedy actors of all time, Dan Aykroyd). And yes, he is the nephew of the original Joe Friday from the original TV show. The nod to the original doesn’t end there. Harry Morgan is the Captain and you kind of feel he is not in on the joke. But I think that is what adds to this flick. These two get partnered up as they begin investigating a bunch of weird thefts. A entire run of a porn magazine “Bait,”, a snake, and a lion’s mane from a zoo. Just weird things. The mystery leads them to a cult called P.A.G.A.N… The People Against Goodness and Normalcy. I know this may not be selling it, but I assure you the scenes of Hanks and Aykroyd togeth er are perfect. Oh, and the supporting characters are insane. I know I men tion Harry Morgan (yup, third time), but besides him there is Alexandra Paul (Baywatch), Jack O’Halloran (Superman 2 NON), Dabney Coleman (as a Hugh Hefner Kinko copy), and Elizabeth Ashley (you will recognize her). Oh, and the triple crown EGOT (Non-Grammy) god Christopher Plummer as Reverend Jonathan Whirley. As I am typing this I am saying it how he says it in the movie. He is amazing in this flick. A really cool cameo by Kathleen Freeman as a landlord. I love her scene because is it is a complete oppo-

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site of her famous Sister Mary Stigmata in BLUES BROTHERS. A little hid den gem when you see it.

But this is comedy gold. The director is Tom Mankiewicz. And you are all, like, why do I know that name? Well, he only wrote the screenplay for DIA MONDS ARE FOREVER, THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN, LIVE AND LET DIE, LADYHAWKE, and THE EAGLE HAS LANDED. Oh, and did I mention that he was hired by Richard Donner to rewrite the screenplay for SUPERMAN 1 & 2? Well, this is his directorial debut, and he did not get many more after this. But with him and Aykroyd writing this flick, the com edy dialogue is perfect. As much as I love those Bond flicks for the action, I also love the comedy he bestowed on those flicks. This is a perfect com bination of both.

And like most flicks I recommend, I think you need to hear the memorable lines:

“Frank quit, moved to Ukiah, bought a goat farm.”

“Jump on this and spin, cop!”

“Muzz. Emil Muzz.”

“Oh, thank God, vibrator repair!”

“Don’t forget your goat leggings.”

This flick is just a fun comedy that gets overlooked way too much by way too many people. Hanks is awesome as he was in all of those 80s comedy flicks. He is funny effortlessly, and Aykroyd is just a comedy god. Looks like it is on Apple TV for four bucks, which is a solid rental. Oh, last thing: when you are done go find the “City of Crime” music video. Yup, a music video. Did I mention it was choreographed by Paula Abdul. Just 80s gold. Wait! Have You Not Seen... The Running Man? September 30, 2022 Welcome back to another edition of my little column where I tell you about movies I think you should have seen. If you remember, I worked at a video store and have seen thousands of flicks and feel like a lot of people skip over some hidden gems. I’m trying my best to highlight a few from my top ten, because these are the flicks I have seen a lot. But no flick have I seen more times or essentially know more about than my favorite Arnold flick.

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Set in 2019 in a dystopian future, where TV is essentially anything-goes. Ben Richards (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is framed for the murder of more than sixty women and children in a food riot. He gets sent to a prison to serve life with hard labor. There he meets up with two imprisoned under ground rebels trying to escape. Together, they break out and try to disap pear through the underground network they have. After removing his track ing device, things don’t go as planned when Ben goes to find his brother at his apartment. The brother has been taken away for “re-education” and in his home is Amber, played by Maria Conchita Alonso. That does not go well, and in a plan to disappear to Hawaii, Ben gets caught. This time, instead of being sent back to prison, he is given the opportuni ty to try his fate at “The Running Man” TV show where stalkers try to track him down and kill him. If he survives he essentially gets the full pardon, which seems odd for a guy that killed more than sixty women and children, but go with it; it’s the future. The host of the show is Richard Dawson, and he is by far so damn charismatic as Damon Killian, you realize why he was a master game show host. I am not going to spoil any more because the plot twists and action scenes are killer. Top of the line for an Arnold flick and still holds up to today. But here is the stuff magic is made from: the backstory and other elements. First, the story where this is from. Based on a short story by someone named Richard Bachman; who the hell is that? Well, that was Stephen King’s pen name, and King’s way of writing more than one book a year, which was kind of the rule back in the day. So it is based on a short story. But the movie is based off an old film in ‘83 called Le Prix du Danger which in turn is based off another short story by Robert Sheckley called “The Prize of Peril.” There is also another German made-for-TV flick in the ’70s that is also based off the Sheckley short story. Long story, this whole thing has had lawsuits and is essentially plagiarized. But crazy, right? Second, the director is kind of interesting. This is directed by Paul Michael Glaser. Yup, god damn Starsky from Starsky & Hutch . And this is only his second film he’d directed! He did a flick prior called Band of the Hand , which I should talk about in a future article, very solid ’80s campy action. Anyway, Paul essentially gets brought on after a week because Arnold wants the original director, Andrew Davis, fired. Andrew Davis leaves and goes on to make Above the Law and starts the career of Steven Seagal. But for a second-time director, Paul nails this flick. Third, is the cast of characters in this flick. I mentioned some above but let’s go through this cast. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Maria Conchita Alonso, Richard Dawson, Yaphet Kotto are the main players. Marvin J. Mcintyre is Weiss and is a face you will recognize only if you are deep into the 80s

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flick-watching. But then there are the stalkers. Professor Taru Tanaka, Jesse “The Body” Ventura, NFL god Jim Brown… incredibly deep bench. And some background characters are played by Eddie Bunker, Mick Fleetwood, Dweezil Zappa and Sven Thorsen (Arnold’s BFF). Just a killer cast all around, which Arnold is always able to pull off, somehow.

Fourth, and almost last, is the music. Yeah, the music in this movie is real ly great. And why wouldn’t it be? The soundtrack was composed by Harold Faltermeyer. The genius behind “Axel F” from Beverly Hills Cop, the Top Gun theme, and the music for the two ’80s Fletch films. Even the end credit song is killer ’80s rock ballad that I have jammed my head way more than I would like to admit. Restless Heart … Running away with you!!! Damn, now it is stuck in my head. Okay, the last part: the movie quotes. This is a must for a flick to make my top ten. Well, this flick has way too many, and Arnold is the king in this flick. But let me list a few:

Killian, I’ll be back. …only in a rerun.

No… last season’s losers

Drop Dead!!! …I don’t do requests.

It’s Showtime.

Who loves you, and who do you love!

Honestly, I could probably list about twenty more. Essentially every Arnold

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line is a wise-ass quip, that I have been using in my day-to-day for way too long to mention. Like I said earlier, this is just a spectacular action flick that I think most people will love, and the sensationalism of a reality game show of people hunting other people I feel is semi-relevant to today. It appears to be a rental on Apple TV for four bucks so well worth it if you are looking for a ’80s Arnold flick you have not seen. Okay, the very, very last thing. Christopher Reeve was originally cast in the Arnold role. Kind of insane and would have been a completely different flick. And like my previous Dragnet column, this also has a Paula Abdul connection. She choreographed all the dancing of the ladies on the game show. Just crazy. Wait! Have You Not Seen... Tango & Cash? October 14, 2022 Back again with another review of a flick I think you need to see. This one came to me from a conversation with Larry and Mark Espinosa. Mark was suggesting I knock out some of the all-time greats, such as Caddyshack and Ghostbusters . I plan on getting to them. The films that nothing I would say about them would be new, and honestly, if you have not seen those flicks, just send me a message explaining yourself. And no, I will not accept that reason. But during that conversation, somehow Kurt Russell came up, and I started thinking. Kurt Russell is Hollywood royalty, but what flick did you maybe miss? Tombstone, Escape from New York, The Thing, Big Trouble in Little China, Overboard, Backdraft, Stargate. Not many people would have missed them, but I have two for you. This is the first one. Two hot-shot Los Angeles Police officers are, essentially, rivals. Gabriel Cash is played by Kurt Russell, and Raymond Tango is played by Sylvester Stallone. They are both Lieutenants and pretty much just bust drug deal ers in their areas of Los Angeles. One is the Westside and one is the Eastside and both essentially are vying for the best in LA. They eventually make the biggest bust of their collective careers and that just so happens to belong to Yves Perret, played by the insanely good Jack Palance. Yves has insane pull and gets the the two hot-shots framed for the murder of an FBI agent. And, even knowing they did not do it, they are found guilty and sent to prison. That is when this flick gets awesome. As the two go back and forth with digs and quips against one another, they realize they are in prison with a lot of bad dudes that they put in there. They need to get out Tango & Cash

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or be killed because Yves has insane reach and controls the prison. They get out but now they have to clear their names. I will leave the story there but here are some awesome things I love about this about this flick. First, this movie has an awesome cast. Yup Kurt Russell, Yup Sylvester Stallone, Yup Jack Palance. But did I mention Stallone has a sister? And that sister is played by the insanely gorgeous Teri Hatcher who is only in her second flick. So way before her turn as a Bond Girl in Tomorrow Never Dies, before Lois to Dean Cain’s Superman , and before her eight seasons on Desperate Housewives. Who else? How about the late Michael J. Pollard. And if you are telling me you don’t know who he is, look him up. Let’s just say, Michael J. Fox added the “J.” as his middle name as an homage to him. Michael’s real middle name is Andrew. Okay, but there are more. Brion James. This guy is in everything. He is so damn recognizable that he is in stuff I forgot. Totally forgot he is in Albert Pyun’s Nemesis. But he is in a lot of movies. Damn heart attack took this guy way too early. Does James Hong sound familiar? Yup, David Lo Pan is in this. Michael Jeter? Yup. Emmy award-winning actor in a small but memorable role. And last, but not least, Robert Z’Dar. I could honestly write a book just about this guy. I have probably seen almost every flick he has made. Okay, I checked his filmography and I have about six I have not. But he is a B movie god and is the Maniac Cop. That film is written by the late great Larry Cohen and also stars Bruce Campbell. Killer killer cast. Second the director situation is kind of weird. Originally, it was directed by Andrei Konchalovsky, who is known for the Jon Voight flick Runaway Train. Huge in Russia but not in a ton of American flicks. Then they bring in Albert Magnoli and Peter MacDonald, later in the process. Rumor was to interject a bit more action into it, which is weird since Magnoli is known for Purple Rain with Prince. MacDonald was also pretty much a camera operator in the beginning of his career, but in more recent years, he is asso ciated with the Bourne flicks, Harry Potter, Star Wars. Big, big titles. So just a weird director shuffle that I don’t believe is officially credited to the latter two. They later bring in Stuart Baird for post production. And that guy’s resume is just unreal . Just a weird shuffle.

My favorite part of every flick… the quotes:

I don’t wanna get killed by this Limey immigrant jerkoff! I wanna get killed by an American jerkoff!

How come yours is bigger than mine...? Genetics.

Rambo … is a pussy.

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I don’t know about you, but I have an aversion to getting F.U.B.A.R.

Blowing a man’s head off with a fuckin’ hand grenade is a touch much , don’t you think?

I loved you in Conan the Barbarian.

You broke that jaw?

Just an absolute amazing flick that I watch all the time I can find to do it. But, before I go, here are a bunch of fun facts. Stallone does an homage to a Jackie Chan action sequence from Police Story , that Chan liked so much he then did an homage back of the zip line scene from this flick in Supercop . Patrick Swayze was originally going to be Cash, but dropped out. He ended up doing Roadhouse instead. Kurt Russell was also supposed to get the Martin Riggs role in Lethal Weapon but dropped out. That goes to Mel Gibson, but this role is kind of very inline with Riggs. Okay, last fact. When Stallone was writing the screenplay for The Expendables , he wrote the part of Mr. Church specifically for Kurt. But he did not want to do it. That role ended up going to Bruce Willis. Really crazy how intertwined all these actors are, and how we would have had a ton of really amazing roles going to other completely awesome actors. But Tango & Cash , this flick is great. Apple TV has it for the normal four-dollar rental. I assure you: a clas sic, often-skipped Kurt Russell and Sylvester Stallone gem.

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Wait! Have You Not Seen... 13th Warrior? October 28, 2022 Sorry for the brief delay of a week for my next review. Apologies to all my loyal readers, but I’m back with another flick that I am shocked you have not seen and really think you need to. This comes from the conversation with good ol’ Larry Young and a flick that I was pretty blown away he had not seen. Considering it fits really nicely in that fantasy/viking/literature film section of Blockbuster, we (Mark Espinosa and I) assumed it was watched. Well, to our shock it was not, but here it is. My favorite Antonio Banderas movie of all time. And yes I have seen Desperado. Antonio Banderas is Ahmad ibn Fadlan. He is essentially a writer that is assigned to the Caliph to write about all his great accomplishments. Well, Antonio makes googly eyes at the Caliph’s wife and gets banished. He gets sent out to Bulgaria to be an ambassador and on the trip, they get attacked. They are quickly saved by a group of Norseman who they then take refuge with. Since Antonio does not speak their language, his travel ing partner (played by Omar Sharif) speaks Latin with one of the Norseman. They quickly find out that they are taking refuge with a group of Norseman that are mourning the death of their king, and the sparring heirs determine who is the heir apparent. After we get introduced to Buliwyf, another Norseman comes to request his aid. This Norseman explains to Buliwyf that his father’s kingdom is under attack by an ancient evil and one that we cannot say its name. The oracle of the tribe says that in order to defeat this evil they must travel in a party of thirteen men, and the 13th cannot be a Norseman. Yup, Antonio’s character gets picked against his will. And this is where the flick gets going. But that is where I will stop, because everything after this is just straight up amazing action. But let’s call out some amazing things: Like most of my other reviewed flicks, this one is no different. The cast is killer . But the unique thing about this one is you probably only will know Antonio Banderas and Omar Sharif, which, alone, are two insanely popular and solid actors. But the rest of the cast is no joke. Buliwyf is played by Vladimir Kulich (who would now be more recognized from the TV show Angel ) as the Beast. I recognize his voice as Ulfrich from the video game Skyrim . But he is also in Joe Carnahan’s Smoking Aces . Another great actor in this is Tony Curran. Yup, not a name many people know, but go take a look at his face. You will immediately recognize him as Van Gogh in one of the best Matt Smith Doctor Who epsiodes. He is also Priest in Blade 2 and the Invisible Man in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen . Great actor in a ton of great flicks. How about Clive Russell? Yup, not ringing a bell, well

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he is Captain Tanner in the RDJ Sherlock Holmes flicks and has a role in the underrated Benicio Del Toro Wolfman flick. Oh, and I think he is also in Game of Thrones . And last, how about Richard Bremmer. Again, noth ing? That’s okay, this is where I get to teach you. He is the first actor to portray Voldemort (sorry I said his name) although is not the voice actor, that is the guy who plays Quirrell. I forget his name. But solid casting choices and a few I skipped. Take a peak at the filmography of Sven Wollter and Diane Venora. Yeah, big time players. Second thing to talk about is the director. How about some guy called John McTiernan. Yeah, Predator John McTiernan, Die Hard John McTiernan, Hunt for Red October John McTiernan. This guy understands solid action and suspense. He essentially mastered this genre of flick and this one is on par with those in my opinion. This flick also has some uncredited reshoots from Michael Crichton. Oh, did I mention that this is based on a book he wrote called “Eaters of the Dead” that he wrote in ‘76? Between that story and some loosely referenced Beowulf themes, this whole thing is cherry. I even feel like I recall seeing a trailer in the movies of this film being called Eaters of the Dead. Which 1000% peaked my interest in see ing it, but when they changed the name I somehow lost it and never saw it in the theaters. I am sure I would have seen The Sixth Sense , which this opened against. A little fact about this flick is it costs somewhere in the $160 million to make, and only grossed like $60 million back, making it one of the biggest bombs in history. Which is super-sad because this flick is awesome.

Okay, my favorite and most important part of the movie. The quotes:

“Luck often enough will save a man if his courage holds.” “Did she finish you off or bring you back to life? ….a gentleman doesn’t discuss such things.” “You can draw sounds?” “I listened!”

Lo, there do I see my father. ‘Lo, there do I see… My mother, and my sisters, and my brothers. Lo, there do I see…

The line of my people… Back to the beginning. Lo, they do call to me. They bid me take my place among them. In the halls of Valhalla… Where the brave… May live… …forever.

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Damn, that last quote may be my favorite one in the whole movie. And it comes at such an amazing part of the flick. I really skipped a lot about the story, but the sets are insanely beautiful and the costumes of the charac ters and “bad guys” are amazing, as well. Seriously just an absolutely fun film. Oh, and here is a cool nugget. The original soundtrack was done by Graeme Revell who has done The Crow, From Dusk ’til Dawn, Sin City and the Riddick flicks. I guess Crichton was not a fan and then hired Jerry Goldsmith, who has five Emmys and an Oscar for the soundtrack to The Omen . Need to get a version of the flick with the alternate music. Looks like this is currently on Apple TV for the normal 4 bucks, but grab the dvd. I think I have bought about 7 copies of the dvd for friends, so happy to buy some more. Wait! Have You Not Seen... The Burbs? November 4, 2022 As we continue on our movie review journey, at times I struggle to find what the next movie to talk about. As I have seen thousands of movies and some multiple times, I have a bad gauge on what has been seen. When I worked in the video store back in the day, you could rent three movies for free at a time. Which essentially meant about 6 straight hours a night of stuff to see, and trust me, I watched 3 movies a night. So I have seen a lot of stuff, and not all very good. So, back to my struggle of recommending something I think is solid that you should have seen. This one comes from my bud Mark Espinosa. As he said, “I don’t think as many people have seen The

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‘Burbs that we think?” You know Mark, you are right. My second favorite Tom Hanks ‘80s comedy.

This one has a wonderful starting point. Ray Peterson (played by Tom Hanks) is off from work for a week, where he plans to stay home and relax. He lives in a nice little non-descript suburb. One evening he notices some late night noises coming from the new neighbors’ house, but dismisses it. But his two other neighbors are not so easily convinced. They are played by the late great Richard Ducommun and Bruce “2 Oscars I have 2 Oscars” Dern. Both are adding absolute comedy gold to this with Hanks. Eventually, the curiosity grows and the team of three begin snooping for more and more info on the weird new neighbors, the Klopeks. Is their older neighbor down the road, Walter, missing? Did they kill him? It gets crazier and crazier. But I will not spoil any more about the story because it is hys terical at times and a total gem of a flick. But on to the other important parts: The cast. I already mentioned the three amazing actors above. Let’s just say Tom Hanks could do comedy in his sleep because his 80s run of com edy flicks is almost unbeatable. But let’s round out the rest of the cast. His wife in the flick is played by Princess Leia herself, Carrie Fisher. Also not her only time starring in a role with Tom. A few years before this, she’s in The Man With One Red Shoe with him. Okay, I mentioned two of his neigh bors above… how about Bruce Dern’s wife in this flick, Wendy Schaal? I know her from a ton of flicks, but you will recognize her voice as Francine on American Dad . How about the teenage neighbor that does not appear to have parents ever home? That role is played by… of course… Corey Feldman. But this is 1989 Corey Feldman , after Gremlins, Goonies, Lost Boys, Stand by Me and License to Drive . I mean, he was a name , and he is supporting cast in this. Last, but not least, are some of the Klopeks. The head of the Klopek family is played by the late Henry Gibson. I could prob ably write a twenty-five page rundown on this guy, but let’s just say if you don’t know who he is, seeing this movie is not what I am going to be shak ing my head at. And another one of the Klopeks, Hans, is played by Courtney Gains. Which is most noticeable as the Malachai in Children of the Corn horror flick. This is a few years after that, so he keeps the creepy vibe going. Solid, solid cast, and I am not mentioned a few. The second thing I always like to talk about is the director. And I will, but I want to start with the crew of this flick. It kind of is a weird grouping, so bear with me for a minute as I ramble. So this film is directed by Joe Dante, written by Dana Olsen and produced by Ron Howard and Michael Finnell. But here is the cool part, this is essentially the crew for the 1977 Ron Howard directorial debut Grand Theft Auto. So they all know one another and all held different roles on that film and twelve years later get ting back together to collaborate again on this. Three of them, I believe

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,work together in ‘84 on Gremlins . But this group enjoys working together and essentially all got their start on Happy Days and Grand Theft Auto. Okay, but back to each individual. New Jersey’s own Joe Dante, who prior to this has made Piranha, The Howling, Gremlins, Explorers, and Innerspace . Solid, solid flicks. Dana Olsen after this collaborates on a few live action cartoon flicks like George of the Jungle and Inspector Gadget. I only remember that he helped write the screenplay for the underrated John Carpenter flick Memoirs of the Invisible Man. And the producers, as I said earlier, are Finnell and Howard. Finnell essentially produces almost every thing Dante makes in his career, but I remember him as a funny crew cred it in Airplane . It is something like “in charge of a bunch of things” or something like that. How random. And Ron Howard is Opie. ‘Nuff said.

I didn’t forget my bread and butter of any flick. The quotes:

“Ray, there’s no doubt anymore. This is real. Your neighbors are murder ing people. They’re chopping them up. They’re burying them in their backyard. Ray… this is Walter.” AAAAAAHHHHHH!!” (the scream is so great)

Smells like they’re cooking a goddamn cat over there.

I’m gonna go do something productive. I’m gonna go watch television.

Oh-ho. Got somebody tied up in the ol’ cellar, have yah, Rube?

Safety is my middle name. I thought his middle name was Louis.

Don’t you make a move, sonny. I was eighteen months in the bush and I could snap your neck in a heartbeat. Hans! Oh-ho! A fine Christian name. Hans Christian Andersen! What are you, Catholic?

Dude, it’s cool, you should hang with us! We called the Pizza Dude!

The pizza dude. I think I have called the guy delivering pizza that name since I saw this flick for the first time at eleven years old. Hearing Corey Feldman say that line in this flick and then as the voice of Donatello in the live action TMNT really rings so clearly in my head. Crazy. But one really cool nugget: Dick Miller and Robert Picardo have cameos in this flick as garbage men. Dick Miller is in, I think, every Joe Dante Flick, and Robert Picardo is “The Cowboy” in Innerspace . I think his greatest contribution to film history. Two other cameos I forgot about. Franklyn Ajaye plays the detective in the Burbs, but he is “the Fly” in Car Wash . Classic. And the other detective? Rance Howard, Ron’s dad. Also father of Clint Howard.

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But here is the coolest fact:Rance Howard wrote Grand Theft Auto . And the whole things comes full circle.

Please check out this super under-rated gem. I assure you, it is fun, and I may even show my daughters because I don’t think they even curse in it. The problem is that it appears to not be streaming anywhere, so buying the dvd on eBay may be the only solution. Looks like they list for two bucks, so if you hate it, please send me the bill. Wait! Have You Not Seen... UHF? December 9, 2022 Hi, all. Sorry it has been a hot minute since I wrote one of these, but, back in the swing of things, I have one that popped in my head to get on peo ple’s radar. There is a new Weird Al Yankovic movie that came out in September. It stars Harry Potter as Weird Al, and from what I have heard it is great. Don’t know how I missed it but I will be viewing it soon for sure. But it got me thinking, did anyone see his 1989 masterpiece…

UHF

Weird Al plays a down-on-his-luck guy, George Newman, who cannot hold down a job no matter what he does. He is followed around by his best pal

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Bob, played by David Bowe. Somehow after losing another job, George’s aunt tells his Uncle Harvey to have George run the TV channel Harvey won in a poker game. Since it is nothing important the uncle does and that starts an absolute insane chain of events. George and Bob now run a TV channel, and need to figure out a way to make money since it is losing a ton, and pretty much only has enough to run through the week. They make themselves a daytime children’s show called Uncle Nutzy’s Clubhouse , and it just is not good. On top of that, George misses a date with his girlfriend Teri, played by the amazing Victoria Jackson, and she breaks up with him. I am skipping some details but they decide (after essentially giving up and losing another job) to give the show to the janitor, Stanley. He is played by Michael Richards and this is the year he gets Kramer on Seinfeld . Let’s just say that within five minutes of Stanley hitting the tv screen/audience the fortunes of George and Channel 62 change. I won’t ruin any more, but it is a fun comedy with tons of parody of 1989 pop culture, the kind that only Weird Al can do.

Let’s talk about the crew in charge of this movie. This film was directed by Jay Levey, and that name means nothing to you. That just happens to be Weird Al’s manager for 30+ years. The screenplay is written by both of them and it is just spectacular. Considering this follows their normal part nership of creating and producing music videos for all of Weird Al’s music, this is just a long 90+ minute Music Video. It even has complete movie parodies tied into the flow of the film. Just an absolute masterpiece. Okay, the cast. I mention Weird Al, I mention Michael Richards, I mention Victoria Jackson. But back to David Bowe. He was the second choice to originally play George’s best friend. The first was Jerry Seinfeld, who Al knew from the comedy standup scene. I guess with Seinfeld about the be on TV, him passing on this role worked out in his favor. But like Jerry and

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Michael Richards, Al leaned into the comedy clubs to fill out a few more roles. The Channel 62 secretary, and soon to be news reporter is played by the wonderful Fran Drescher, years after Saturday Night Fever and a few before her run on The Nanny . Another random role is played by the amaz ing comedian Emo Phillips. Actually not very random, I believe I read Al wrote the role specifically for him. Okay, a few more roles. The big bad is played by Kevin McCarthy, who is an acting legend, nominated for an Academy award for Death of a Salesman in 1951. The aunt I spoke about earlier is played by Sue Anne Langdon, who I only know as the third actress to play Alice Kramden on The Honeymooners ( Jeopardy question I remem bered from years ago). And to round out the insane cast, Anthony Geary plays Philo. Geary was a daytime soap opera actor, and loved Al, so want ed to do something completely out of character. This is 100% that. The funny part is that role was written for Al’s friend, Joel Hodgson, but he declined. He was not sure he would be a good for the role, and he was already starting his work on Mystery Science Theater 3000. Okay, last three, I swear. The Channel 62 camera man Noodles Macintosh is played by the icon Billy Barty. One of the friends of George in the movie is Kung Fu Teacher Kuni, played by the timeless Gedde Watanabe. Depending your taste in movies, you know him as Long Duk Dong from Sixteen Candles or Oishi from Ron Howard’s Gung Ho. And David Proval is a random goon. I mean the cast is insane. Sorry that was a lot about the cast, but this movie has one element that I always need in order to be rewatchable for me. It has a ton of insanely funny quotes. As with most of my other reviews, I use most of these in my normal day-to-day, and I have a wife and two young daughters that look at me like I am losing it. Maybe I am, but here are a few gems:

Lesbian Nazi hookers abducted by UFOs and forced into weight-loss pro grams, all this week on Town Talk!

Look up! Look down! Now look at Mr. Frying Pan! Uh-oh. Bobbo fall down go boom.

Oh, Joel Miller, you just found the marble in the oatmeal!

You get to drink from…THE FIRE HOSE!!!

Can you believe this? Would you look at that? Just call me Mr. Butterfingers.

SUH-PLIIIES!!

You took the box! Let’s see what’s in the box! Nothing! Absolutely nothing! STUPID! You so STU-PIIIIIIIIIIID!

Don’t you know the Dewey Decimal System?!

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Let’s just say the amount of quotes in this film are just insane. As a kid who grew up with Weird Al parodying every popular song I recall hearing on the radio, this flick is an amazing comedy that holds up all these years later. As always Apple TV has this for rent for the normal four smackers, and like my previous recommends, this is a surefire win. One last nugget: Sylvester Stallone was going to make a cameo in this flick in a sequence parodying Rambo, but declined. I think Weird Al’s homage to him is bet ter. Wait! Have You Not Seen... Running Scared? June 16, 2023 Okay, let’s shake these cob webs off this keyboard for something I have been procrastinating on: the next article for Dork Court. And what better movie to add to my list than Running Scared. But no, not the Paul Walker 2006 version. Although, I did like that flick, but the Crystal & Hines action/buddy/comedy flick. Yeah, it is super-solid. Where do I start? Right; the cast. The movie stars Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines as two street-smart Chicago cops from the Northside. Ray and Danny kind of don’t take anything seriously but are both great at their jobs. During one case, they get involved in trying to arrest Julio Gonzales, played by the amazing Jimmy Smits. But this guy continues to get away from them regardless of what they try to do. Some insane chase scenes through the city, in stairwells, and just damn solid action. Not to share too much of the plot, but one of the detectives gets shot and they decide to retire to Key West, Florida to open a bar and after a quick little trip they seem to cap ture Gonzales. Great little montage comedy scene plays and when they come back to the cold snowy Chicago, they are informed that Julio has got ten out. Looks like one last case they cannot leave unsolved. And the final confrontation is action-packed and funny as all hell. Love this flick. On to the cast. I named Billy Crystal in the beginning, but this is 1986 Billy Crystal. He was about to essentially be the featured comedian on SNL, having that the show just lost Eddie Murphy. So he makes this flick in the middle of all that. Next is Gregory Hines, the insanely talented dancer/actor. This flick is post Cotton Club and White Nights , so he is beginning to become a huge star. But these two together are just golden. The chemistry was perfect. Really. Like Glover and Gibson solid. Next are the bad guys. I mentioned Jimmy Smits playing Julio Gonzales. He is Running Scared

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