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me, I’d much rather be telling you about what a good idea it would be for budding and professional comics writers alike to take Robert McKee’s Story Seminar than explain to the comic book industry at large how coupons work, but, there you go. We all have our bears to cross.

The way the comic book delivery system is presently set up is not ideal, of course, but it’s not as screwed up as people assume.

If you, gentle reader, have had a problem getting your retailer to make this order for you because it’s not in his regular swing of things to do weekly reorders, well… …print out this bit of the column for him (as the masculine pronoun is proper fucking grammar here, you pedantic jackasses. Save the email; I know): Let’s say you want the Best Graphic Novel of 2000, Channel Zero , by the genius Brian Wood. Make a little check in the box provided with your writ ing implement of choice and present said coupon to your retailer. Point out that you’ll get either an autographed Double Image #1 or an autographed Astronauts in Trouble: Live from the Moon #1 when it comes in. In order to take every last bit of strain out of this process, please tell your retailer that the order code is STAR11745. To help him even further along, tell him that if he gives the promotional code PROMM0118 to his customer rep, things will go so smoothly that a week later you will have your book and signed comic. The World’s Best Diamond Comics Brand Manager, Chris Schaff, has assured me that the customer reps at Diamond have been briefed on this promotion, and I have no doubt that this is so, because ol’ Chris loves to move the comics. He has a frankly stunning pride in his job that I am going to miss the poor bastard when he’s gone, and that’s a fact.

Anyway; let’s review:

Check off the books you want in the ad. Rip out the page. Hand to your retailer.

For extra credit, remind him of the STAR codes and the promotional code for the autographed book.

Wait one week; enjoy quality comics.

I’m sure next Friday I’ll be back to my old non-pissed-off self, with a syrupy Saturday Evening Post -like rumination about my childhood and how that has some vague association with the present-day comic book industry, but

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